[I] SEEK NO MOKSHA

Me: I’m about to fail. Again.
My ‘self’: Yea. Time you gave up.
Me: I told you to shut your hole up. The only reason you’re in it with me is that I had no choice.
My ‘self’: I’m just here to make your life a little easier.
Me: Oh yea? I don’t want to get into the long run short run crap with you, nor do I have the time for it. So why don’t you do your job and let me do mine
My ‘self’: My job? What job?
Me: Shutting up. You even suck at that!

The challenge is to dodge this, now that you believe you don’t want it. All I ever wanted to say, or have, was a little feeling that someone cared. My self conspired with my ego and almost convinced me to give up, stop expecting anymore. But smart as you are, you must have guessed this post is an “I-won” post! And so I did.

The only hope I could cling to, was expectation, a desire. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to me. But she won’t say. She won’t let me arrive at this “obvious” conclusion. But anyways, all I want is one last chat. One last thanks. No clarifications, cuz if she needed any, she could’ve asked for em already. I’ma give her what she wants. A quite exit from her life. And it’s strange considering the fact that there has been nothing more than just that short tag of friendship between us. In a world of brands. Pun Intended. All I want is half an hour. Then I’ll be gone. Forever.

The temptation is growing strong. I can feel it. Like venom, taking over Spiderman, slowly, but very very surely. The change is evident. The resonance has begun. There’s no getting out of this. You wanna dodge it bad. You don’t wanna give up on your friend. Maybe she needs your support. More than ever. Maybe it’s the perfectly incorrect time to be even thinking of giving up. Maybe you’ll be the cruelest person on the planet if you give in.

But that’s just a maybe, right? What if she really wants you to get out of her face? But what went wrong? There’s no ending this debate. A battle of grit and mind. A battle of guesses. You can look away, but you can’t disguise. There was something about you once, a light in your eyes, but now all’s gone. And so should you be. It wasn’t my mistake, nothing I did wrong, but as they say, sometimes learning to give up, is the same as being strong. I have to let go. No I can’t. I just can’t. I’d like to wish you well cuz it’s the hardest frame of it all, to know that I’ll miss you so much. And you don’t reciprocate. Sometimes doing the right thing must involve letting go.

I can win. I can dodge all of this. But do I want to? As I drive away, leaving all this far behind, I hope she’s satisfied. And if just my bowing out quietly out of her life aint all she wants, I hope it’s good enough to make it worth all the precious time, and things we (or rather, I) are giving up. Cuz if I knew what was “all” she wanted, I wouldn’t be thinking twice.

I decide to lose. I decide to give up. Logic seldom fails you, but whenever it does, it’s a helluva job arriving on a solution, especially when the debaters are all yourself. No matter how irrational I sound, there’s no logical explanation. Ha Ha. Tyranny of an irony!

The temptation to give up may not be unassailable, but how it ridicules you! In short, the aftermath is not pretty.

It’s like you’re at war. You’ve the targets all locked but you still wont fire. In Hope. A wave of seemingly perpetual pain overwhelms you. You’ve been raped. You’ve been trying to close your eyes all this while, in a desperate attempt to avoid accepting the fact that you really are dizzy.

The passions behind this post are inspired by the song “Surrender”, by Billy Talent

Posted by The Acid Tongue |